The Power of Silence

I have written a lot about listening skills. And by a lot, I mean this and this and this; as well as touching on it in several other articles. It’s a topic I geek-out on. Today I’m going to hone in on one very specific component of listening. That is, the importance of SILENCE. 

You may be thinking – What does silence have to do with listening? Silence is what happens when no one can think of anything to say! Sometimes that’s true. We’ve all experienced that awkward pause in a conversation. But that’s not where I’m going with this. 

Deep Listening

For the sake of this topic, I’m going to be referring to deep listening. Deep listening is when you’re in a conversation that requires focused attention, comprehension and understanding. 

Examples of times when you should practice deep listening:

  • When someone is upset. (Especially if you have upset them.) 
  • When the relationship depends on your understanding. 
  • When you need to comprehend information. 
  • Customer service!

What we know about human nature is that people want to be heard and understood. Even if you cannot do anything to improve the actual situation for the person, deeply listening to them can help significantly. 

Think of a time when you have complained to a business manager about service or product quality you have received. If the manager really listened to understand, you probably felt better about the situation. Conversely, if you were made to feel like they just wanted to move you along, you likely were more frustrated than before you complained. 

That’s the power of deep, empathetic listening. It’s listening to understand and honor the speaker’s thoughts, feelings and needs. 

The problem is that most of us listen to respond, rather than listening to understand. When we are caught up in our own point of view we are not listening deeply. What often happens is that we start out listening, and truly intending to give our full attention. Then, at some point the speaker says something that shifts our brain to our own thoughts, feelings and opinions. At that point we stop listening and we begin waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can take over as the speaker. 

To be clear – sometimes this is fine. When we’re out socializing or chit chatting with friends this is perfectly okay. During brainstorming sessions, we absolutely want to have ideas build off one another. That’s not what I’m referring to in this article. This is focusing on those times when deep listening is crucial to the outcome of the conversation. 

Silence

That brings me back to the power of silence. We as humans are uncomfortable with silence, therefore we work hard to fill it. That’s what makes it so powerful! 

During a deep listening conversation, there should absolutely be silence. In any conversation, there comes a time when the speaker stops talking. At that point, when you are deeply listening and giving your full attention, you likely need a moment to take in everything they have just shared. The silence is an indicator that you have listened all the way to the end of what they had to say. 

The more emotional or intense the speaker’s content, the more important it is to allow silence. Give space for everything they have just stated to settle. If you are super-uncomfortable with the silence, you can say something to the effect of: “You really shared a lot there, give me a moment to process all you have said.” This demonstrates to the speaker that you were committed to really hearing what they had to say, rather than thinking about your response. 

Another great thing about silence is that it leads the speaker to reveal more. Just as we dislike silence as listeners, the speaker is equally uncomfortable with it. When we listen all the way to the end, then leave silent space as we process, the speaker becomes anxious and often starts talking more. At that point they tend to start sharing more, including things they hadn’t necessarily intended to share with you.

Effective listening produces better understanding, which eases tension and helps the speaker to relax. As a result, your deep listening helps the speaker to think more clearly. When given the space to really be heard and understood, it leads to the speaker having revelations or changes about their thoughts on the topic. The silence allows space for those things to come out.

The last benefit of allowing for silence is that it gives us, as listeners, the opportunity to formulate our response. By listening all the way to the end and being comfortable with the silence, we then have the opportunity to clearly think about the best next step in the conversation. 

  • Do you need to ask a question to improve your understanding? 
  • Does this person need you to validate their feelings with a reflection? 
  • Should you offer comfort? 
  • Or do you need to formulate a response to what has been stated? 

Use the silence to practice your emotional intelligence. 

Deep listening is a powerful tool for managing conflict, improving relationships, and increasing our knowledge and understanding. It results in easier collaborations and more fulfilling relationships both in our work life and our personal life. Becoming comfortable, or even confident, in the silence will make you an even better listener! 

If you would like help in developing your listening skills or creating a listening culture, I would love to help! Email me at kim@athena-coco.com to connect them for a free 30-minute discovery call. 

Kim is a mom, wife, lover of being active and the outdoors,
and helper of nonprofits, small businesses and leaders.

kim@athena-coco.com

The Problems with Communication

Communication problems

Communication is hard. A large majority of problems are created from a breakdown in communication. And communication is at the root of many, many organizational challenges including stress, strained relationships, low morale, frustrated staff and clients, and more. 

As I see it, there are two major communication pitfalls. I’m going to discuss the first one in this article and you can read about the second one next week. These are:

  1. Barriers that get in the way of sending and receiving messages
  2. Lacking the components of an effective communication system

First up – barriers. In every conversation there are Speakers and there are Listeners. Someone has something they want or need to share. Someone else may or may not want or need to hear the message. For the sake of simplification, this article is going to focus on two person communication; however, the concepts extrapolate out for larger conversations. 

In a two person conversation, where one person speaks while the other listens, there are 3 opportunities for the intended message to become jumbled. 

  1. What is articulated:

    The Speaker has thoughts or ideas in their head, and they want to share them with the Listener. When they go to share their thoughts, what they are thinking might not be what actually comes out of their mouth. Some of the reasons this happens could be: 

    • They may lack the words to articulate the ideas
    • The Speaker might mis-speak
    • If stressed, they may become confused or flustered and have trouble putting their ideas into words
    • Body language that is inconsistent with the verbal message being sent causes confusion and misunderstanding 
    • An accent, language barrier, or speech impediment might make words hard to understand
  2. What is heard:
     Even if listening intently, the Listener may not receive the message correctly. The game telephone is a great example of this. In the game, the barrier is the fact that players are whispering. In regular conversations barriers might include:

    • Surrounding noises
    • Distractions – both mental or exterior
    • Volume or hearing problems
    • If the conversation is taking place over the phone or via Zoom, there might be technical difficulties
  3. Listener’s interpretation:
     Even when the Speaker articulates their thoughts accurately and the message can be easily heard, there are still opportunities for the Listener to receive the wrong message. Some of the reasons a Listener might not receive the intended message include: 
    • They might not know some of the words being used
    • Words mean different things
    • Personal biases may prevent the Listener from accepting what they are hearing
    • If they are not mentally prepared to accept the message they might hear what they want to hear
    • The Listener’s mind might wander or they don’t give the Speaker their full attention and therefore not receiving the entire message

Now, if the Listener switches into Speaker mode with inaccurate information, this cycle of miscommunication continues to grow and become more complicated.

As you can see, in the delivering and receiving of messages, there are so many opportunities for errors. Assuming that we communicate with the intent of being understood, it’s important to close the communication loop holes.  Here are some simple techniques that can help do just that. 

  • Send a Clear Message

    When in the Speaker role, give thought to the message you are sending. Think through the best way to state it. If it doesn’t come out right, try again. Once your message is delivered, ask questions to gauge understanding. 

  • Find a Quiet Place

    Especially for important conversations, make sure you are in a space that is appropriately private, has good sound quality, and minimizes distractions.

  • Reflections

    As a Listener, reflecting back what you have just heard can be a valuable communication tool. Reflecting is not “parroting” exactly what was said. Rather it involves sharing what you understand the Speaker to mean. If you understand correctly, the Speaker feels heard and valued. If you get it wrong, it gives the Speaker the opportunity to clarify their message. 

  • Seek to Understand

    Again, as a Listener, ask follow-up questions. Work to understand their point of view. If a message comes across that puts you on the defensive, feels rude or attacking, or has a negative slant  – ask more questions before jumping to conclusions. When conflict arises, it can often be tied to miscommunication.  

Ensuring messages are sent and received accurately is key to quality communication. If your company has more than a few people, ensuring quality communication is key to smooth operations. On a weekly basis I hear leaders and employees complain about the lack of communication in their company. That is what I’ll tackle in next week’s article. 

Need help with improving internal communication? Email me at kim@athena-coco.com to schedule a free 30-minute discovery call to find opportunities for growth through improving communications. 

Kim Stewart

Kim is a mom, wife, lover of being active and the outdoors,
and helper of small businesses and nonprofits.
kim@athena-coco.com 

Wanna Grow Your Business? Grow Your Staff

Staff Success

Unless your business is completely run by robots or other automatons, you likely rely heavily on staff. Employees are probably the ones creating your product, communicating with your customers, delivering your services, and managing your processes. Your staff are your direct connection between you and your customers. They are responsible for executing your vision for how your business serves your customers or your community. 

In many businesses staff salaries are by far the largest line item in the budget. Yet, oftentimes things like equipment, inventory, and facilities end up getting much more attention and financial resources than the staff. Think of the time, energy and money that goes into maintaining a company vehicle. This important resource likely receives regular oil changes, preventative maintenance, and routine TLC cleaning. Imagine if the same amount of planning, time, energy and financial investment went into our people! 

When a company hits a wall in terms of growth, or a nonprofit organization becomes stagnant in the impact they are providing, it almost always comes down to culture. A stagnant business can be traced back to a dysfunctional, negative, toxic culture. Changes to other facets of the business may deliver short-term improvements. However, in order to make real progress for lasting growth and impact, the culture must be fixed. 

Healthy cultures boil down to two things: 

    1. How a company treats their people 
    2. A commitment to clear and honest communication

A business that masters these two components is well on their way to success. Obviously, attention needs to be given to financial management, quality processes, strategic planning and more. But without a healthy culture, those other things will only take you so far. 

Benefits of Nurturing Your Staff

There are hundreds of benefits a company can reap from lifting-up, valuing and honoring their employees. This article will not list hundreds of benefits. Rather, it will focus on a few key benefits that will help your business grow or your agency impact to expand. 

  • Staff who feel valued become loyal team members. Nothing beats a loyal staff member! Loyal employees do more for the PR and brand of your company than any marketing campaign ever will. When someone loves their job, they tell everyone. They attract customers, potential employees, and prospective donors for nonprofit organizations. That kind of messaging is genuine and captivating. Thus appealing to people who otherwise may have never given your business a second thought. 
  • Another benefit of loyal team members is that they work harder, are solution oriented, and care about the quality of work they do for you. These folk have a vested interest in the success of the business. They embrace the direction you are taking your company or the impact your agency is striving for in your community. Loyal employees do their best and work with the company’s interest top of mind. 
  • Supporting your staff looks good on you. Companies that invest in their employees, foster their growth, and help them pursue their career goals are companies that people want to work for. Recruiting, hiring, and training staff can be extremely expensive. Imagine if prospective employees came to you because they want to be part of how you grow your staff! Additionally, the level to which you respect your staff comes right back around. Want to be respected at work, be the leader in demonstrating what that looks like. 
  • Valuing your staff creates a positive culture. As stated above, how a company treats their staff is foundational to creating a healthy culture. And nothing fosters growth and increased impact like a healthy and positive culture. If growth and increased impact isn’t motivational enough, great cultures are fun to be part of and to lead. Since most people spend at least half of their waking hours at work, a positive company culture will improve the collective and individual mental health of the entire staff team. 

As there are hundreds of benefits to nurturing your staff, there are just as many ways to lift-up your staff. The best way to do this is to use your unique personality and leadership skills to genuinely value your staff. Still not sure how to get started? Here are some tips to get the ball rolling. 

Getting Started

  1. Listen. Take the time to listen to your staff. Fully listen. Approach conversions with a listening mind-set. There is no greater gift you can give someone than to listen to them with an intent to understand. You can read more about this topic here and here and here. 
  2. Build real relationships. Just like “Employees don’t leave jobs, they leave bosses”, staff also stay with bosses they like, enjoy being around, and respect. Listening is a great way to start down this path. Couple it with asking really good questions and you’ve got this one made! 
  3. Give them what they need. There are the basics. Workstation. Computer. Stapler. These are the obvious things – you give them whatever equipment they need to do their job. Beyond that – training and a safe environment to learn is also expected. What about those employees who need a lot of positive reinforcement? Or the ones who need to chat with you for a few minutes each day? And what about those who need to check-in regularly to make sure they are on track? Do you give them what they need? Giving employees these things (essentially your time and acknowledgement) may be challenging when you’re busy. However, when you think about the value of a loyal employee, it seems less like an interruption to your day and more like a crucial part of leading people.  
  4. The Golden Rule. It turns out that your company’s human resources are made up of HUMANS! Who would have thought? And do you know what humans like to be treated like? You guessed it – humans. This one is very simple. When interacting with an employee, think about how you would like to be treated in that interaction. This usually includes values like respect, dignity, caring, trusting, and maybe fun. If team member interactions can be tied back to company values, it’s even better. 

Before closing this article, I want to be clear that I am not suggesting tolerating staff who are not a fit for your company, your culture, or the jobs you have available. I believe wholeheartedly in hiring slowly (to ensure a good fit) and firing quickly. Rip that band-aid off if that’s the right decision. Your job as the leader is to make sure you have provided everything staff need in order to be successful. If you are confident you have fulfilled your end of the bargain and it’s still not working out, decide and take action quickly. 

Need help elevating your organization’s culture? Email me at kim@athena-coco.com to schedule a free 30-minute consultation to discuss how I can help you create a culture that will grow your business and increase your impact! 

Kim is a mom, wife, lover of being active and the outdoors,
and helper of small businesses and nonprofits.
kim@athena-coco.com