The Power of Silence

I have written a lot about listening skills. And by a lot, I mean this and this and this; as well as touching on it in several other articles. It’s a topic I geek-out on. Today I’m going to hone in on one very specific component of listening. That is, the importance of SILENCE

You may be thinking – What does silence have to do with listening? Silence is what happens when no one can think of anything to say! Sometimes that’s true. We’ve all experienced that awkward pause in a conversation. But that’s not where I’m going with this. 

Deep Listening

For the sake of this topic, I’m going to be referring to deep listening. Deep listening is when you’re in a conversation that requires focused attention, comprehension and understanding. 

Examples of times when you should practice deep listening:

  • When someone is upset. (Especially if you have upset them.) 
  • When the relationship depends on your understanding. 
  • When you need to comprehend information. 
  • Customer service!

What we know about human nature is that people want to be heard and understood. Even if you cannot do anything to improve the actual situation for the person, deeply listening to them can help significantly. 

Think of a time when you have complained to a business manager about service or product quality you have received. If the manager really listened to understand, you probably felt better about the situation. Conversely, if you were made to feel like they just wanted to move you along, you likely were more frustrated than before you complained. 

That’s the power of deep, empathetic listening. It’s listening to understand and honor the speaker’s thoughts, feelings and needs. 

The problem is that most of us listen to respond, rather than listening to understand. When we are caught up in our own point of view we are not listening deeply. What often happens is that we start out listening, and truly intending to give our full attention. Then, at some point the speaker says something that shifts our brain to our own thoughts, feelings and opinions. At that point we stop listening and we begin waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can take over as the speaker. 

To be clear – sometimes this is fine. When we’re out socializing or chit chatting with friends this is perfectly okay. During brainstorming sessions, we absolutely want to have ideas build off one another. That’s not what I’m referring to in this article. This is focusing on those times when deep listening is crucial to the outcome of the conversation. 

Silence

That brings me back to the power of silence. We as humans are uncomfortable with silence, therefore we work hard to fill it. That’s what makes it so powerful! 

During a deep listening conversation, there should absolutely be silence. In any conversation, there comes a time when the speaker stops talking. At that point, when you are deeply listening and giving your full attention, you likely need a moment to take in everything they have just shared. The silence is an indicator that you have listened all the way to the end of what they had to say. 

The more emotional or intense the speaker’s content, the more important it is to allow silence. Give space for everything they have just stated to settle. If you are super-uncomfortable with the silence, you can say something to the effect of: “You really shared a lot there, give me a moment to process all you have said.” This demonstrates to the speaker that you were committed to really hearing what they had to say, rather than thinking about your response. 

Another great thing about silence is that it leads the speaker to reveal more. Just as we dislike silence as listeners, the speaker is equally uncomfortable with it. When we listen all the way to the end, then leave silent space as we process, the speaker becomes anxious and often starts talking more. At that point they tend to start sharing more, including things they hadn’t necessarily intended to share with you.

Effective listening produces better understanding, which eases tension and helps the speaker to relax. As a result, your deep listening helps the speaker to think more clearly. When given the space to really be heard and understood, it leads to the speaker having revelations or changes about their thoughts on the topic. The silence allows space for those things to come out.

The last benefit of allowing for silence is that it gives us, as listeners, the opportunity to formulate our response. By listening all the way to the end and being comfortable with the silence, we then have the opportunity to clearly think about the best next step in the conversation. 

  • Do you need to ask a question to improve your understanding? 
  • Does this person need you to validate their feelings with a reflection? 
  • Should you offer comfort? 
  • Or do you need to formulate a response to what has been stated? 

Use the silence to practice your emotional intelligence. 

Deep listening is a powerful tool for managing conflict, improving relationships, and increasing our knowledge and understanding. It results in easier collaborations and more fulfilling relationships both in our work life and our personal life. Becoming comfortable, or even confident, in the silence will make you an even better listener! 

If you would like help in developing your listening skills or creating a listening culture, I would love to help! Email me at kim@athena-coco.com to connect them for a free 30-minute discovery call. 

Kim is a mom, wife, lover of being active and the outdoors,
and helper of nonprofits, small businesses and leaders.

kim@athena-coco.com

Developing Great Supervisors

Boss vs. Leader

Last week’s article was focused on the basic skills that quality supervisors need. I shared three foundational attributes that any supervisor needs in order to get started with the business of leading staff. Those were: 

  1. Provide training on the what, how, and why of their role
  2. Listening – really listening to staff
  3. Treat employees like human beings

None of those sound too radical, right? And they aren’t. These seem like common sense for anyone who supervises people. However, failing to equip staff with these basic tools can mean the difference between an enjoyable work environment and a toxic one. 

The thing is, while these are basic, common sense skills; there’s a lot going on that can make them difficult to deliver. New supervisors come into the game with a lot of preconceived notions. Their approach may be based on their previous experiences with leaders, or their ideas of what a boss is supposed to do. Often feel the need to “prove” themselves, and come on too strong. Some feel the need to “show them who’s boss”. Or maybe they subscribe to the sink-or-swim mentality. 

The root of challenges for new supervisors comes from one of two things. Either they lack the confidence to lead people as human beings. Or they don’t understand the company culture and how they are expected to interact with people. Fortunately, both of these are easy to rectify! By communicating your vision and culture, new supervisors will understand how to align their actions with the organizational expectations. And by training them on the skills listed above, new supervisors will be off to a solid start on becoming a team leader. 

Next Level Supervisors

So those are the basics every supervisor needs to be “good”. What about when you want to take your leaders to their next level and create truly great supervisors? I think this quote from Deryl McKissack really defines what it takes to be a great supervisor:

“Great leadership is humble.
Being humble does not mean you are weak.
It means you are so confident that you don’t mind hearing the truth about yourself,
so that you can change.”

Being a great supervisor is as much about being confident in yourself as it is about how you lead your staff. Great supervisors have the confidence to give their staff autonomy, to shine a spotlight on their staff, and to help their team members to advance. Additionally, they take the time to understand what each of their direct reports needs to feel supported and be successful. Let’s dig in. 

  • Give Staff Autonomy

No one likes to be micromanaged. Why? Because it makes them feel like they are not trusted. Part one of giving staff autonomy means building a trusting relationship with them. Supervisors need to genuinely trust their staff to do the job the way they have been trained to do it. This comes from investing time in getting to know them as a person (as stated above). The second piece of this involves just getting out of their way and letting them succeed. 

Giving autonomy does not mean leaving them on their own and never checking back. It means checking frequently when a staff member is learning something new, and giving them more space as they show their competency. Of course, a third piece of building trust as a supervisor is being available to support them if problems arise. 

  • Shine a Spotlight on Staff

This does not mean making a big deal out of everything an employee does. Or generically thanking everyone for all that they do. That will come across as fake, and frankly, insulting to the team members. Shining a spotlight is about giving credit where credit is due. Genuinely. Great supervisors notice contributions that help advance the organization and efforts that are above and beyond. This is especially true when the staff person makes the supervisor look good. It’s crucial to let others know who is helping the team advance. 

Sharing the spotlight (or not) has a lot to do with the supervisor’s level of confidence. The leader sometimes believes that when others look good, it must mean they look bad. When a new supervisor falls into this category, it’s key to work with them so they understand the culture and to foster their confidence in their skills. 

  • Help Team Members Advance

I have heard supervisors say that they don’t want to share how great an employee is because they don’t want to lose them. The truth is, with an attitude like that, they will lose them sooner or later anyway. If a supervisor isn’t actively helping their staff advance (if the staff has that goal), the organization will eventually lose out as the employee looks for a company that values them and wants to help them succeed. Not to mention the fact that it makes the supervisor look great when they are consistently producing high performing associates. 

  • DON’T Treat Everyone the Same

This one might seem counter-intuitive, or contradictory to what you’ve been taught. To be clear, I’m not suggesting supervisors should treat some staff well and others poorly, or play favorites. I’m saying that the leadership a supervisor gives a staff person should be based on the person’s needs. 

Some staff need a lot of praise. Others need to vent once in a while. Still others like to be pointed in the right direction and set free. Successful leaders pay attention to these needs of their team members and adjust their interactions accordingly. A supervisor with three direct reports may have three different structures for leading each of them. For example:

    • Staff 1 might need a lot of positive reinforcement in order to feel successful. With this person the supervisor may meet with them on a weekly basis so they can share what they are working on and give them the validation they need. 
    • Staff 2 on the other hand may be a self-starter with lots of drive. In this case the leader may have monthly meetings to make sure they are on track, then they might stop by the staff’s workstation on a more informal basis, to ensure they are moving in the right direction. 
    • Lastly, Staff 3 could be an introvert who just wants to do their job and doesn’t want a lot of attention focused on them. For this staff the best solution might be taking a short walk together every other week. This way the staff feels supported and has adequate time with the supervisor to check-in and ask questions. At the same time, this keeps it informal and from being all about the staff. 

This one ties closely to the point from last week’s article about treating staff as human beings. Unless a leader gets to know their staff and their needs, it’s going to be difficult to personalize the leadership each person needs. But by doing so, it will save time and support each individual in the manner that serves them best. 

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that everyone is cut out to be a supervisor. Some people never master the skills, or they find that they just don’t like it. And that’s fine. By working with them and providing them with the right skills, you will discover who is going to excel and who needs to find a different fit. It can be frustrating to invest time in someone only to find out they are not going to succeed as a supervisor. However, it’s so much better to work with them and help them find their natural fit, than to lose a potential leader because you didn’t give them the necessary tools to succeed.

Need help cultivating good supervisors in your business or organization? Email me at kim@athena-coco.com to schedule a free 30-minute consultation to discuss getting started. Calm the Chaos with quality supervisors, so you can find time to focus on what’s important to YOU! 

Kim is a mom, wife, lover of being active and the outdoors,
and helper of small businesses and nonprofits.
kim@athena-coco.com